this site.....brings back so many memories of who i used to be

 

I sure have changed a lot and coming on here today for the first in a long time and thinking about the things  i gained from this place.....somewhat overwhelms me.  Not because of who I met, but because of how I lost touch with all of them.....

 

for once I feel like writing out feelings because quite frankly; since i stopped blogging here I rarely blog at all now.

 

Negative things of the past:

 

I fell in "love" at the first sight of a connection.  Thats what friends had and I was never ok with that, I wanted everything to be more....and I hate how that controlled my life and my actions.  It happened for years in "the real world" and with people online. 

 

I pushed all of my problems to people who had worse ones.  I never understood how much I fucked up until this current semester.  I was deeply depressed, which is understandable, but forcing my bad days onto everyone else especially on the rare good days they had only damaged the ties we had made. 

 

I hate how I sit here now and want to put all the blame for all the shit I did on my psychological problems, because well....I have a lot more than I believed was the case.  Really though, I don't want to blame it on anything because no matter what it was me doing everything which I did. 

 

I made a few once in a lifetime friends, 3 actually....whom I always thought I would be with till i grew old.  It's all been gone now for awhile, and I've yet to make any friends quite like them.  I have amazing friends, but they just haven't compared.  Maybe it's because these friends dont know me like they did?  Maybe I just dont let them, maybe deep down I dont want them to compare....

 

I wish I never would have made situations worse and in the end....nonexistant.  I've gained so much knowledge of myself from the losses I received.  It's a shame societies greatest lessons are learned from some of the most fatalist of mistakes. Have class to run to, i guess thats it....

I guess i'll take this drive home, there's nothing left to do
one hand on the wheel, just a quick glance at the phone
waiting for it to ring, but it wont be you

Losing myself on this interstate, it never ends
like the worries you've caused me, so lets pretend
that I'm not that drunk now, and when
we see each other again, lets just be

Changing lanes will end soon
i'm not in a movie, my life can end with just one wound
eyes fixed, so dialated, cars turn into clouds, im not ready

and when the timer goes off, yeah I wont be around
and when you call out my name, no I wont be around
and when the sun rises again, the moon is set to follow
and when your eyes begin to swell up, rain will fall from the sky
those are the tears from my eyes, darling don't cry
there were so many fears that I had, darling don't cry

and when you start to miss me, I'll be at your side
and when you want to scream at me, I'll be at your side
I'll be at your side, I'll be at your side....your side, yeah I'll be

I can feel your hair blowing from side to side
I can see your tears fall like raindrops, from eye to eye
I am at your side, darling don't cry

i woke up in the morning after a wishful night of dreaming
and im laying here wishing your return
I said some things I know I didnt mean
and I dont think that you can forgive me
I am torn apart by the words that left the mouth
that they were never meant to leave
you know me better than that

someday we'll speak again
but for now I'm crying myself to sleep
from the mistakes i made with you
nobody could ever believe just how real we were
and the we that was may never be again

I've been trying to write a letter to you
I've ripped up about a hundred of them
I've watched this movie about three times tonight
Just for the noise it gives and the longing silence it relieves
The part where the boy meets the girl and they fall in love
that was us once and we'd laugh everytime we saw it
I can still feel the perfect meshing of our fingers
I trusted myself with everything you needed
I never thought I could fail at something I wanted so badly
I'm sorry, it's never good enough, but i swear its true

It's cold outside and I shiver at the thought of soaking in the rain alone
no face to hold and no lips to unfold into mine
I've turned daydreams into nightmares
and here I am dripping wet at your doorstep
no ones home and I'm content with the feeling of just being there
I'll wait forever and then when death comes to take me
I'll ask for just one more minute
where I'll state my case and prove I deserve this more than anyone
Just because we both hurt doesnt mean we cant still feel
The past can heal over itself but what we had is irreplacable
close your eyes with mine and pretend
tonight we can pretend and in the morning we'll see what happens
tonight, tonight.....

guess ill do a small update. The semester is going at such a fast pace I cant believe it.  Shame I have to make up a class in the summer.

Lifes been good, im really happy for the most part

the new red robin had their sneak preview tonight.  We got free passes through work so me and tara went for the free meal. It was really good mmm especially since it was the first thing I ate today. 

I'm starting to stress out over my theories of personality paper.  15 damn pages ugh

I dont know what more to say, but it was beautiful outside today

“You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.”

"and i just wanted to say I'm sorry for bringing you down to my level so many times when you were trying to fly high.  I could have flown high too, but i chose not to.  Being confused and lost in my own problems was more important and for that i eternally apologize"